Internal Struggles of an Invisible Injury

It’s coming up on six years since my TBI. You’d think I’d have it all figured out by now, but I don’t. I continue to struggle with my own self-perceptions. And that’s why a brain injury is so accurately labelled an “invisible” injury. Even with as much as others may be able to see of our struggles, we see so much more that never shows on the surface.

Noise, Chaos, and Commotion

This is one of my struggles, and it comes in so many forms. At the most basic level, I have a sensitivity to noise of any kind now. I have ear plugs that stay in a carrier attached to my keychain to keep them handy. I use them often.

Sitting in restaurants with piped‑in music, the sounds of dishes clanking together, and being in a room where more than one conversation is happening is still a struggle. My filters just don’t work properly, I can’t selectively shut out what I’m hearing. I find that I lose track of the conversation I’m trying to participate in as it merges into a jumble of unrelated words from nearby conversations.

Then there’s the television. Now that I’m married, there’s a television in the house again. Marcie has her programs she likes to watch each day, and I do my best to share evenings with her. Still, there are things I struggle with. Flashing images, quickly changing camera angles, laugh tracks, and other bits of chaos are difficult for me. So yeah, I wear my earplugs a lot and sometimes I close my eyes until the craziness has ended.

But my struggles aren’t always obvious. Yes, Marcie sees when I wince from a loud noise and knows why it happens. But most of the time, I’m able to keep it inside. Why do I do this? Because like many with a brain injury, I just want to be able to participate in life again without everyone having to make special considerations for me. If that means I need to deal with my discomfort quietly, then that’s what I’ll do.

Emotional Turbulence

Fuel for emotional fires is plentiful after a brain injury. It can be the frustration or dissatisfaction we feel with the quality of life after our injury. Often, we can feel isolated and misunderstood. And some of our emotional turbulence can be brought on by damage to the areas of our brain responsible for emotional expression.

I’m nowhere near as volatile as I was in the first couple of years. Back then, I could go from being positive and happy to feeling weary, sad, and broken with almost no warning. That was when I learned the value of having a retreat to go to for a while to hide out while I recovered enough to be around others again.

Luckily, it’s not that bad anymore. Yes, I have turbulent feelings sometimes, but I’m able to manage them well. And yes, when I say, “manage them” I mean, “keep them from showing.” I know that when I’m frustrated, sad, or just weary to the bone, that it will show a little bit no matter how hard I try to keep it hidden. But it’s getting better than it once was.

Mental Fatigue

In the first couple of years after my injury, I needed frequent breaks throughout my days to maintain both my emotional stability and my ability to think clearly and creatively. My endurance has certainly improved since then. But even now on high demand workdays, I find that my thinking gets a bit cloudy if I don’t make time for periodic breaks in my day. As a business professional, there’s little room for things like not remembering a key point of a discussion I had with someone earlier in the week. Likewise, I have to be able to perform at high levels when, for example, we’re trying to resolve a problem and I need to generate a creative solution.

Regularly scheduled breaks are my first line of defense here. In recent months, I’ve instituted a daily walk over my lunch break. It takes me about 45 minutes to walk the 2.5-mile route that I take. Whether I listen to an audio book or just to the silence of the day, that time is relaxing to me. When I sit back down at my computer, I feel somewhat refreshed and less fatigued.

Most importantly, I’m getting better at seeing the signs of when my brain is getting tired. When I notice fatigue creeping up, I try to find a moment to walk away from my computer for a few minutes. Whether I just walk to the front room and look out the window, or go sit on the porch for a bit, even a little break can help. Taking breaks to combat my mental fatigue helps keep this one from showing up as much in my workday.

Risks of Invisibility

I can’t count the times I’ve experienced doubt about whether a symptom is actually caused by my injury or if it’s just a convenient excuse for not trying hard enough. I can’t feel the injury anymore. Well, technically, I can still feel the titanium plates holding my skull together in key places, but you know what I mean. How can an injury from almost six years ago still be impacting my ability to do better in all the areas where I struggle? Is it truly the effect of that injury or is it just my own shortcomings?

Oh, the questions we beat ourselves up with. And others don’t see that part either. And I’ve even read about people with brain injuries being told by their loved ones that their injury isn’t the real problem, that it’s some sort of mental problem. I’m lucky to not find myself in that position, my wife has read plenty about brain injury and understands the truth of things.

“No Man is an Island”

The poem by John Donne reminds us that none of us are truly self-sufficient. To thrive, we sometimes need to depend on the comfort and company of others. Some of us can turn to family, some to friends, and some may need to reach out to local organizations to find meaningful support. Whoever it is, it’s important to be open about your limitations and your feelings. Others can’t see inside of us; we have to tell them what’s going on.

On the other side of this coin is how we handle things, because yes, this injury is often invisible even to the injured. Remember that your struggles aren’t shortcomings, they are the result of your injury. Even if it is invisible, it’s real.