Hey, I used to be able to play that…

[Audio Version Link]

A TBI affects every survivor in unique ways, depending on the areas damaged and extent of that damage.  For most of my adult life I would play my guitar on a daily basis, until after the injury.  It was a few months before I picked it up for the first time, but this was because of the molded plastic brace I had to wear while the bones in my hand knitted back together, held in place by temporary pins that later had to be surgically removed.  Once the brace was gone, pins pulled and skin healing nicely, I finally picked up my guitar and made a terrible discovery… I couldn’t remember how to play.  I could remember the sound of a song, but the part of my brain that was responsible for chord progressions, strumming/picking patterns, and lyrical content responded with only silence.

I picked up the guitar over and over again, but trying to use something that had been in my brain for several decades and now just wasn’t there was an incredibly frustrating experience for me.  It never took long for my frustration to turn to anger, and anger to turn to tears.  The disappointment my girlfriend felt over the fact I couldn’t play for her anymore was never expressed outright, but I could always see it.

It wasn’t just the fact that I couldn’t remember the chords and strumming rhythms of all the songs I used to play, because my books were all tab style since I never learned to read music.  If it was just a memory issue, I could have used my books to play by.  Something else had changed, the part of my brain where music had always just “made sense” wasn’t working like it used to.

As time went on, I sold or gave away all of my guitars, amplifiers, my cajon and finally all my musical accessories and music books.  All except one.  I kept my Martin Backpacker – you know, just in case.  Once or twice a month, I pick it up and see what I can do.  Nothing seemed to change… well, until the day before yesterday, that is.

Bill, a thoughtful friend and co-worker for many years now, is the kind of guitarist whose music is connected at a deep enough level that he always has guitars in his office.  Yes, guitars.  When I was last in his office, I think the count was up to 8 or 9 – electric, acoustic, standard and bass guitars all on stands in his office waiting for his attention.  While he was showing me the latest addition to his growing collection, I picked up his Taylor GS Mini to try it on for size.  When my fingers hit the fret board, something clicked on… I can’t describe it any other way.  I played a finger picking song that, even before the injury, was always very challenging. I played a favorite segment of the song – correctly and cleanly, without missing a note.  It had quite the impact on me.  Now my plan is, a few times each week to put aside all other concerns, pick up my Backpacker and play again. I guess the real take away here, and the message I want to communicate, is that things change every day.  Neuroplasticity is a real thing, and our brains are constantly adapting to our ever-changing environment.  New pathways form, and from this experience, I believe that damaged pathways can sometimes reconnect and restore access to some of what we’ve lost.  If there’s something that you have lost from a TBI, you may be able to rebuild it… whether by creating new pathways or reconnecting broken pathways.  The key is, if it’s something you really want, don’t give up too soon.  Keep trying as long as it feels right to do so, and you may be surprised at what you can recover from what was lost.