I don’t want to sound like some kind of a scrooge here, but the simple truth is that holidays are a challenging time for me since my brain injury. It’s all the chaos that naturally occurs in large gatherings that my brain now has difficulty processing. But I’m married now, and my wife is passionate about family get-togethers over the holidays. This puts me in the position of needing to be supportive of her needs while ensuring we are both cognizant of my own limitations.
An invisible injury is invisible to everyone, including our loved ones. And as I discussed in a recent post, all too frequently, it’s even invisible to me. Those who have known us from before our injury, will quite naturally lean towards engaging us the way they always have. And when we aren’t conscious of our own limitations, we may inadvertently place ourselves in situations that are unexpectedly challenging.
Being Supportive
In a marriage, being supportive of our spouse is especially important. The truth is, I’d be fine if all we did this Thanksgiving was to stay home for a quiet day of relaxation and then enjoy a slice of pumpkin pie after dinner. But Marcie looks forward to these holidays not for relaxation, but for sharing the day with as many of her family members as possible. So, we’re expecting seventeen or more, both adults and children, to be gathered in the same space. It’s at least a little daunting for me to think about, but I’m being as supportive as I can be.
When she’s working on planning foods and activities, I try to participate without expressing my growing anxiety. I’m even making a dish, I think. I can’t remember what it is at this moment, but Marcie will remind me when it’s time. Through it all, I smile and keep my trepidations to myself, so that I don’t take anything away from her happiness as the big day approaches.
Mental Preparation
While I’m feeling a great deal of trepidation, I’ve attended these events for a number of years now and I do know that I always survive. But part of the reason is that I take steps to properly prepare, and while at the event, I work to maintain vigilance on how I’m feeling.
So, how do I prepare for a chaotic event where I’m likely to feel besieged by noise and inundated with multiple simultaneous conversations for three or four hours? I only have a few tools, but they can be very helpful. The first point of preparation is to do all I can to prepare mentally. What I mean by prepare mentally is to develop a mindset that will lead to me successfully navigating this event. I know it’s going to be busy and noisy with people all around who are talking and moving and doing things. And I also know that almost everyone at this event knows that I take frequent breaks by going outside for a breath of fresh air, or that sometimes I just disappear to a less chaotic room for a while. This line of thinking helps me to relax so that I’m much less stressed when the event begins.
Tools
Then, there is the one piece of equipment that I carry around in my pocket on my keychain every single day. My earplugs. These aren’t your standard shop style earplugs that just muffle everything, these are designed to protect those sensitive to excess noise with filtering that allows us to still hear nearby conversation while reducing the background noise volume. I’ll have these in place from start to end. I know from experience that they can make all the difference for me.
At the Event
Once the Thanksgiving gathering has commenced and there is a conversation in every direction I look, that’s when the true test begins. As I do normally, I’ll politely greet each guest, and find myself a relatively low occupancy area to position myself, preferably near the outer edges rather than the very middle of all activity. Most importantly, I’ll pay attention to how I’m feeling and, when necessary, excuse myself. If I’m not engaged in conversation, I can simply walk outside or slip off to a quieter room for a short break. But for those times when I’m in the middle of a conversation and I’m beginning to feel a little overwhelmed, I’ll just excuse myself to the bathroom. By the time I come out, conversations will have moved on and I’ll be able to strategically reposition myself to reduce my processing requirements.
Frequent breaks are also part of my plan, but my planned strategy is to take periodic breaks before it has started to feel like an urgent requirement. If I’m proactive with this approach, I can stay ahead of the game. We have a small bistro set on the porch that I’ll use for some of my breaks. Or I may just go for a short walk in the yard. Temperatures are forecasted to be from a low of 39° to a high of 41°, so it’s likely that my time outside will be solo. And, when I come back inside, I’ll feel less overwhelmed and much more able to participate in the activities inside.
Looking Forward
Looking ahead, here’s what I see. I see an event that I’m part of every year, and that while stressful in some ways, is an enjoyable event with great food, family fellowship, and a smidgin of fine wine. I see me having an enjoyable time, while managing my own requirements in a way that doesn’t take away from anyone else’s enjoyment. I see Marcie smiling as our last guest leaves, because a good time was had by all.
Setting our expectations is so important for our outcomes. I’m setting positive expectations, and I have a plan to make it all possible.
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