I’m learning that caregiver guilt becomes unexpectedly strong and runs very deep when we start looking at our feelings and behaviors too critically. I’ve written before on the topic of dealing with Caregiver Guilt, but life is dynamic and everything changes each and every day. I find myself struggling to find balance between productive and unproductive introspection; trying to ensure that I am the best caregiver I can be for my mother.
My Path of Discovery
I know that many have walked this path already. For me, the caregiver journey and all the discoveries along the way are completely new. I’m discovering that caregiver guilt, as unwarranted as it may be, can subversively suppress our rational mind and lance straight into our hearts.
But I Shouldn’t Feel Guilty… Should I?
I work 90% of my full-time schedule from home, showing up on-site when there’s an absolute need I can’t circumvent. When I wake in the morning, my first tasks are to make my morning espresso and then meditate. After that, I start reviewing work emails and listening for signs that mother has awakened.
Once I hear her, I drop all I’m doing and dash out to assist her as needed. Sometimes she’s able to get out of bed and into the bathroom on her own, sometimes she needs assistance. When she’s done in the bathroom, I help her get situated in her chair for the morning, feet up, pillow behind her neck and nestled under her comforter, drops in her eyes, a freshly charged tablet and the remote control within reach, and I make sure her cordless phone is handy for her morning chat with her sister. I then sit down for our morning visit.
After our chat, I’m back to work in my home office, checking emails, working active projects, and making things happen. Throughout my workday, I’m listening for her call (or the sports coach whistle if she happens to remember she has it) and I physically check on her about every half hour, helping her as needed.
Mid-morning I serve her breakfast, at noon I bring her lunch, then, 6pm is dinner. We have short exchanges throughout the day, but at mealtimes I try to make sure we actually have a bit of conversation. Bedtime comes, I help as needed, and if she has no problems in the night, then the next day we start it all over again. On weekends, or during the week where there are openings in my schedule, I try to check to see if she feels well enough for her favorite excursion to the thrift store.
When she needs extra help, as she sometimes does, I’m there. When she’s unable to get to the bathroom and back on her own, I’m there. And, like last night, when she does fall, I’m there to pick her up, make sure she’s okay and get her safely situated.
Should I feel guilty in any way? My rational mind offers a warm and understanding smile and firmly responds, “No.” My heart abruptly barges in and says, “Well, maybe…”
But How Much Can I Give?
The balance point that exists between giving care and self-care is precise and very tenuous. I’ve found myself at the wrong end of that balance point all too often; sacrificing self-care for her care. When I look at it rationally, I do understand that I spend most of my waking hours either caring for her or prepared to respond to her needs whenever they come up.
So many times I have responded to her calls while participating in work meetings. Working from home means that meetings are online events, all I can do is to mute my microphone and hope that I don’t need to respond while I’m checking on her needs. Oft times the reason she’s calling for me is because she’s having trouble with the remote control, or her tablet battery has died and I need to swap it for her other tablet. Other times she needs a drink or may just have a random question.
There are relatively few times throughout the day I take just for myself, but I do set aside time each day for meditation. Morning meditation is usually uninterrupted because she’s still sleeping, but she does call for me sometimes during my evening meditation. I can’t say that it’s not frustrating to interrupt my meditation and go check on her only to find that she’s dropped something next to her chair and or can’t figure out how to turn the TV volume up.
I do give freely. In fact, I give extensively of myself. How in the hell can I ever feel even a little guilty? I guess that’s just how the mind works… well, mine does anyway.
What Can I Possibly Feel Guilty About?
Am I spending enough time sitting with her each day? Am I giving her a good enough variety of meals to eat? Am I cleaning the house well enough? Am I checking on her frequently enough? Am I too short with her sometimes? Am I offering to take her on outings often enough? Why haven’t I repaired that fence yet? And the list goes on.
As much as I do for her, these questions continue to come into my mind. Why??? That’s my real question. I do so much for her, why does my mind so often want to focus on what I might not be doing? I don’t make a lot of plans, but there are times when I’ve made plans with my girlfriend to go do something fun and as things turn out, it happens to coincide with the first time in the last couple of weeks my mother has felt up to an outing. She asks if I have plans in that particular way that lets me know she is asking about an outing. My opportunities for spending time in the company of my girlfriend are limited, so I let mother know I have plans…and of course, I’m hit with a sharp twinge of guilt.
<sigh>…
I don’t really know how I intended this post to flow or where it was supposed to go, but here we are. I don’t have any good guidance or sage counsel to offer here. I can only tell you that the struggle is real. I guess this is one of those posts that is really just me trying to work through something by writing about it.
Even in the context of knowing that I’m doing almost everything humanly possible for my mother, questions and doubts come into my mind. I’m trying to focus on what I am doing, and to let go of the questions about what more I could be doing. I’m trying to silence the incessant questions and doubts. And I’m trying to listen to my girlfriend’s guidance to ensure that I am practicing a sufficient level of self-care.
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