One of the important things I have learned about my healing process after my brain injury is that it’s a path filled with twists and turns, leading to an ever-shifting horizon. As our brains continue the process of forming new pathways to make up for what was damaged, how and what we think naturally changes as well. This process not only makes us different than we were before the injury, sometimes it makes us different than we were last week or last year.
My Initial TBI Outcomes
My short-term memory impairment was immediately visible, but in the months following my brain injury I slowly began to understand how much of my long-term memory had simply vanished. It’s only when we try to recall something or think we should have a long-term memory associated with whatever is happening in a particular moment that we even realize it’s gone. So, it went for me, day by day, until just how much was gone became clear to me. I had to relearn the names of most of my friends and coworkers, I was continually hearing references to things I’d done or said that I had absolutely no memory of.
Memory was just the tip of my TBIceberg. Although I didn’t know it at the time, I was experiencing many of the very common problems that come with a brain injury… including loss of ability to read effectively, loss of concentration and focus, no motivation, light and sound sensitivity, misperception of social cues, impaired balance, and more. The discovery process of learning what’s gone, what’s changed and what’s new is huge for brain injury survivors – but understanding that the healing process isn’t a simple and clear path from here to there is so very important as well.
“The only constant in life is change” – Heraclitus
Note: it’s only thanks to Google that I now know who this quote is attributed to. This statement has been completely true for me, especially relative to my recovery process. The people in my life have watched as preferences, behaviors, and attitudes emerge, change, or fade away.
For example, I still rode my Harley for a couple of months once it came back from the repair shop – but then I seemed to lose interest in riding. The change was slow, but it resulted in me selling the bike and pursuing other interests that were only beginning to surface. I started expressing myself with painting, I built a productive garden space, I learned to can foods and have fun with a sewing machine. The following year I developed an interest in woodworking, and while I’m certainly not a master craftsman, it brings me great joy to create things in my shop with my own hands.
Still Changing…
What continues to amaze me is seeing how much everything is still changing. My light sensitivity is less intense now, but my sensitivity to loud or chaotic noise seems to have increased. My ability to read has improved a little, but my difficulty with completing non-mandatory tasks has gotten worse. I’m getting better at picking up on social cues but nowhere near my pre-injury level. Over this last year I notice that I’ve become less welcoming to casual physical contact, as well as actively seeking solitude over social situations.
I don’t know which of these changes will change yet again, and what will stay the same. What I can tell you is that at the 3 ½ year mark since my brain injury, I continue to evolve. I recognize that it’s the result of my brain rerouting and creating new pathways, but it can be difficult for those who care for me to continue to accept these ongoing changes in who I am.
Please Understand…
As a brain injury survivor, all I can tell you is that this isn’t something I’m able to fully control. I can consciously step outside of my comfort zone for the sake of someone I care for, but I can’t control how it makes me feel inside. I can sometimes override my reaction to a situation I’m struggling with, but I can’t keep it from being a struggle for me. I hope that you can accept who I am in this moment and know that I’m trying to work through all of this in the best ways I can. When a behavior you were just learning to accept from me changes, please understand that it’s not intentional – I also must learn to accept the differences in who I am with each new day.
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