When we care for someone, it’s very natural to want to help them feel better about what’s bothering them. Most often we do this by identifying with them. But for a brain injury survivor, it’s disconcerting to hear people say things like, “Oh, I know how that feels!” or, “Well, that happens to me and I don’t even have a brain injury…”
Even with the understanding that it is meant as a kind way to connect or lessen our anxiety, that’s not always how it feels to hear comments like these. More often it feels to survivors as though our struggles are being diminished, our hurdles belittled. It can even feel like someone is suggesting we are just blaming our brain injury for common problems that everyone else experiences every day.
What I want You to Know
I want you to know that I truly appreciate what you are trying to do. I get that you are trying to help me understand that you aren’t judging me for my inadequacies. I do understand that you want to let me know I’m not alone. I want you to know that it means a lot to me that you care enough to put yourself out there for me.
What I want You to Understand
Things were different for me before my brain injury, I remember that much. Yes, I forgot things, but at nowhere near the frequency that I do now. Yes, I had experiences of forgetting why I went into a room; but now I can literally forget 3 or 4 times in a row before I finally accomplish what I set out to do. What I experience now isn’t even remotely close to what you experience.
Your comments, though meant well, have the unintended message to me that I’m just not trying hard enough – and trust me, this is a daily battle I have with myself. I don’t need others to add fuel to this fire, it burns out of control already.
What I Hope for From You
I hope that you won’t be offended when I don’t respond to these comments in the ways you might anticipate. I hope that you can understand that these comments strike deep, and what I really need from you is your patience and your acceptance – that’s all.
What I hope for from Me
I hope that I can learn to better understand human nature, and to accept that in that moment you’re only trying to help me feel better. I hope that instead of immediately sinking into my own self‑deprecating spirals, I can just accept that someone who cares is trying to connect, trying to help me feel better about my situation.
Thanks for this. Best wishes to you. Life and reality can change for any of us in a second. Writing about this is so important.
Thank you Diane. Writing about these things is really my only option. There are times when I am confident that if I open my mouth, I won’t communicate well enough and feelings will be hurt so it’s not common for me to talk about things like this. Luckily I have this blog and I’m able to write more than I could ever say… because here I have a backspace key and can fix what I say poorly before it is ever read. Those in my life who read my blog know so much more about me than everyone else.
Only those who may have had a Brain Injury are capable of understanding this. Diane is quite correct when she asserts how life and reality may change or us in a second. That is precisely why writing about it is invaluable.
Thank you for reading. I do want to ask about your question on Twitter… I wasn’t sure I understood and you haven’t replied to the question in my reply. You asked how you could make sure all concerned read this. When you say “all concerned”, who are you referring to?
Well said! Educating people without a TBI is so important! If you know someone who suffers from a brain injury…. take the time and read this!!
Thank you for your kind words, and yes, a little understanding goes a long way. If you care for someone with a TBI, learning about common struggles like this will help you to understand us a little better and offer the best support you can.
Well said . Great awareness !
Thank you for this! It is spot on and something I have been struggling with.