Imposter syndrome describes a fear of being exposed as a fraud because we aren’t really as good as others see us; but with a brain injury, a very different version can arise. Brain injury survivors may question whether our deficiencies are solely from our injury or if we really just need to try harder.
The Dreaded Question…
Am I just using my brain injury as a convenient excuse?
Here’s the reality… before my injury, some tasks were slow to find completion – but this was always very clearly just a matter of prioritization. Whether I was spending time with a loved one, going fishing, or just playing video games, it was my choice of priorities that determined when things got done.
Now, I can walk right past all of those jobs that are waiting on my attention, and all I feel is a complete and utter lack of motivation followed immediately by a nagging sense of guilt.
Oh, trust that I’ve read a number of studies linking brain injuries to reduced motivation. I’ve also heard over and over from friends and coworkers, “Oh, I have that problem and I don’t even have a brain injury…”.
And that is a clear and easy onramp to the imposter syndrome expressway. As much as I try to ignore that comment, it always seems to start my critical self-examination process. Is this just a convenient way to excuse my laziness? Am I really just milking this whole thing? What a downward spiral that leads to.
Feeding the Beast…
Imposter syndrome continues to be one of my most difficult challenges. And if I wasn’t good enough at feeding this beast already, fuel for such a fire can come from almost any direction.
Perceiving skepticism, whether real or imagined, from a loved one, family member, or friend when I am yet again forced to say, “Oh, sorry… I forgot” or perhaps, “Yeah, I meant to do that…” can make me feel like a complete fraud.
Invisible even to me sometimes…
The invisible injury element is huge here. I am able to perform exceptionally well in short bursts; and through a detailed and consistent note taking and organizational approach that has taken the last three years to develop, I am able to stay on top of most things at work.
In both my professional and my personal life, when I’m not at my best I typically separate myself from others… so they don’t see who I am the rest of the time. They never see how bad it sometimes gets for me, so they must think I’m faking, right?
In moments of clarity, like right now while I sit here alone writing this, I know that this is only my perception and not reality. Except, we all know that perception is reality, right?
My Own Doubts…
Before my injury, trying harder always meant better results. If I wasn’t reaching my goal, it was because I wasn’t working hard enough, not giving enough of myself, or that I simply didn’t believe in myself enough. In every scenario, it meant I just had to want to try hard enough and I should be able to make it happen… shouldn’t I?
Time for a Reality Check…
It’s easy to accept that our brain injuries cause problems for us, we get it. It makes sense that a brain injury would impact memory, so that’s low hanging fruit. Vertigo out of the blue? Also, easy enough to understand. What about noise sensitivity? What about the missing emotional buffer zone or consistent feeling of low energy? And the biggest question for me… what about the complete and utter lack of motivation that can strike anywhere and at any time?
Here’s the truth: It’s real.
Noise sensitivity, also called hyperacusis, is real and
is a common impact of a brain injury.
This article discusses hyperacusis, as well as photosensitivity, vertigo
and other impacts after a brain injury:
https://www.brainline.org/article/recovering-mild-traumatic-brain-injury
The emotional roller coaster is real:
https://www.brainline.org/article/emotional-problems-after-traumatic-brain-injury
Low energy and fatigue are real:
https://www.brainline.org/article/fatigue-after-brain-injury-brainline-talks-dr-nathan-zasler
Okay, last one for this post. Adynamia is the word that describes a loss
of motivation, a documented and very real effect of a brain injury:
https://synapse.org.au/information-services/motivation-and-initiation-fact-sheet.aspx
In closing…
This is real. We may think we should be able to do better just by trying harder, but that’s not always the truth of it. We may feel like imposters, but there’s truth in our condition. Pointing to our injury can feel insincere, but those we know, those we work with, and those we love, need the truth.
My girlfriend may be disappointed to learn that I didn’t deliver on something she was anticipating, but it really wasn’t because I don’t care enough. My mother may wonder why I’m not done laying her steppingstones in the front yard, but it’s not because I don’t want to finish this job. My son may question why again his father didn’t bring the truck by to haul his yard debris to the dump, but it’s not that I didn’t want to…
And closest to home is how I feel about myself.
Accepting that trying hard enough isn’t the problem is still just beyond my grasp. There are times, like while I write this, that I know that my brain injury really is at the root of what I struggle with. But the rest of the time… I just think I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe this will pass one day. I hope so.
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